By Fergus The Justifier
Jimmy Fallon is Not the King of Late Night; He is the King of Terrible
In recent months, one of the only bits of good news I have been able to cling to is the continued decline of Jimmy Fallon in the Late Night ratings. When Stephen Colbert took over the Late Show from David Letterman (DAVE! YOU WERE THE BEST! WE STOPPED APPRECIATING YOU AND ONLY NOW DO WE TRULY REALIZE WHAT WE HAVE LOST!) , I was sad to see Dave (GAH! COME BACK!) go, but excited to see what Colbert’s version of a late night show would look like. Mostly I just wanted him to kill and destroy Fallon in the ratings. The Tonight Show continually appalled me and it made me sick on a daily basis knowing it was No. 1.
But I had every confidence in Colbert’s talents. The Colbert Report was a nightly work of genius. So when the new Late Show premiered – and it sucked – I kept watching for a few weeks hoping, praying it would improve. It never really did. Who knew Colbert was so…giddy. And weird. The less said about professional comedy-killer Batiste the better.
So I had to just suck it and endure the Terrible of Jimmy Fallon always winning in the ratings. Just like all the years I had to endure with Terrible Leno. Thank you, stupid vacant millennials and middle American morons.
I don’t like Jimmy Fallon. I have never liked Jimmy Fallon. The man – and he can only be called that due to his physical age – is completely devoid of any personal creativity unique to his own self. His talents as a mimic and an impressionist are insanely good, but that’s all the guy is: an empty shell that can only fill itself with the personalities of others to be funny. His monologues are BRUTAL (doesn’t he have writers?!). He sucked in every SNL sketch he was ever in because he is ALWAYS JUST HAVING SO MUCH FUN! He is like an annoying puppy with ADD that just cannot contain itself when the ball comes out. I’ll give him credit for working hard to get where he is, I guess, but f**k me – he is Terrible Incarnate. Oh wait, he does have one other tremendous talent: beer pong. So fun!
Okay, we all know what happened when Trump came on:
There are no words, no words…
Try to recall how many times in your life you have un-sarcastically slapped a table or your knee because something was so funny you literally couldn’t stand it. Maybe once? Twice? Probably never. How this guy can look himself in the mirror is beyond me.
Games and games and games and silly games and games and sillier games and…uh…more games. So fun! All the stuff he does on his show? You just know he would be doing the same sh*t in some horrid frat house even if he wasn’t a talk show host. But Trump came along and put an end to the party. The incredible buffoon got elected and our boy Jimmy took a hit for helping that happen. 🙁 Poor Jimmy. Nobody felt like being silly anymore. Nobody felt like pretending they were still living in a frat house. The world got sober pretty damn quick. Which is another problem for poor Jimmy.
Now apparently all of this totally righteous and well-deserved backlash hurt poor Jimmy’s feelings. Being exposed for the soulless shill you truly are can do that to a man-boy. So what does he do about it? Well, nothing, he’s not capable of helping himself in this manner. He is completely managed by others and probably just hit a bar, confused as f**k.
So what does Lorne Michaels do about it? Well, he initiates a “redeem Jimmy” multi-media blitz. He invites Jimmy to host SNL and guest-star in some Weekend Update sketches. I guess to remind everyone of how “fun” he is. Then he also arranges for a publicity interview which espouses the new narrative of “sad, contrite and humbled Jimmy has learned from his mistakes, can everyone please come back to the beer pong table now because poor, sad Jimmy is hurt and misses you.”
NO Jimmy. No they can’t.
I didn’t link to the original NYT piece because it’s disgusting that they could run such a puff piece so f**k them. But it was an amusing read, to be sure:
“They have a right to be mad,” he said of the interview. “If I let anyone down, it hurt my feelings that they didn’t like it. I got it.”
“Johnny was an instant success, but a lot of the critics thought, this is not culturally relevant,” said Leno, Fallon’s Tonight Show predecessor. “Jack Paar would spend 90 minutes with Noël Coward, and Johnny did Art Fern. The stories would say, ‘When is The Tonight Show going stop the silliness and get back to substantive issues?'”
Leno added that Fallon’s broad comedic canvas – including impressions and musical numbers – make him “probably closer to what Johnny was like than anybody in a long time … Johnny had a youthful look about him and could play musical instruments and do magic tricks. It was all about mass appeal.”
Yeah, thanks Jay. You’ve always been a true man of the people. Another soulless twit heard from. You should have been a politician – that’s how you managed your entire career. God, he even used to wear a flag pin (why do only the worst people wear those?) Funny how the piece only uses quotes from Leno (NBC shill) and Seth Meyers (Lorne Michaels shill).
First of all, Jay, you pathetic, 2-faced, already forgotten weasel – you aren’t helping poor sad Jimmy here at all. Does anyone really think Carson’s brand of talk show is even remotely capable of existing in this day and age? Letterman (can’t wait for your Netflix series!) laid waste to that kind of thing decades ago. He burned it down. So is Jimmy now playing in the ashes? Nah. You can’t even compare the two Tonight Shows because Fallon’s is a game show with some sketches and idiot celebrity interviews interspersed between the games. It’s not even up to the level of a variety show (gag) like Carson’s.
And do you really think Johnny wouldn’t be addressing what just happened in Las Vegas? He avoided politics and controversy as much as he possibly could, that is true – it was so much different back then. He was also supposedly a very cold fish, but I’m sure he was still a human capable of moral outrage and normal human emotions, unlike lizard-man Fallon.
Which brings us to a roundup of how all the Late Night hosts reacted to the Las Vegas horror-nightmare-tragedy. Every single Late Night host is quoted reacting to the unimaginably horrible, sickening news. They are eloquent, they are outraged, they are emotional, they are pleading and they are courageous for taking a stand. Each quote is several paragraphs long and represents a good portion of their monologue/opening remarks, if not the entirety.
And then you get to Jimmy. The tw*t.
This morning, we woke up to the news of another senseless shooting, this time in Las Vegas. In the face of tragedies and acts of terror, we need to remember that good still exists in this world. We’re here to entertain you tonight, and that’s what we’re going to do.
Yeah, Jimmy, that’s what we’re going to do: resume the party and forget about all the bad, super-not-fun stuff. Just say “there’s still good,” – that’s a great way to get around it! Hey, here’s some lip-syncing! Plinko and beer pong and knee slapping! So fun! F**k you Fallon. You are part of the problem and your ridiculous, cowardly schtick is not fooling anyone (well, maybe some people. Ok, a lot of people. BUT NOT ME!) Y’know, actually, I’m forced to wonder, is it even cowardice? Or is he just incapable of having any other emotion other than “fun?” He’s not a mature human being, let’s just say that. Or let’s look at another example!
NICOLE Kidman has revealed that funnyman Jimmy Fallon rejected her advances not once but twice when they were both single.
Last year, Kidman appeared on Fallon’s Tonight Show and disclosed that after her split from Tom Cruise and before she met current husband Keith Urban, that she had a crush on Fallon.
She said she arranged for her agent to hook up a meeting so they pair could get to know each other better. However, Fallon had no idea it was a date and “didn’t say anything.”
I’m like, okay … and then you put a video game on … and I’m like, ‘this is so bad’. It was bad,” Kidman said.
“You didn’t talk at all and so after about an hour and a half I thought, he has no interest, this is so embarrassing,” Kidman said.
“And I kind of left and went, okay no chemistry … and then I was like, maybe he’s gay?”
No Nicole, he’s just a soulless lizard-man obsessed with juvenile “fun” who should have never left the frat house.
Look Jimmy, if you are honestly, truly incapable of expressing outrage over a horrible mass murder and don’t want to try and be part of making things better, then just go off-air. Go away for awhile. Then you won’t look like such a schmuck. Go dark for a few nights or air a few repeats. Nobody will notice, I guarantee it. People only watch bits of your show on Youtube anyway.
This is what all those shows should do quite frankly. After 9/11, nobody even thought about going on-air right away. Las Vegas was every bit as horrific as 9/11. Every bit. But after Dave (thank God for you, Dave!) gave the world a blessed moment of healing release after 9/11, tuning in to see what the Late Night hosts will say about these tragedies has become a new armchair ritual. Which is why Fallon hasn’t been able to hide or pivot away from all of this.
Strangely enough, after the Charlottesville tragedy, he came out with a much more “human being” reaction:
“Even though ‘The Tonight Show’ isn’t a political show, it’s my responsibility to stand up against intolerance and extremism as a human being,” Fallon said.
“Even though the Tonight Show isn’t a political show?” Who says something like that?! This was back when he was really feeling the heat, so he felt the need to pretend to be a normal person for awhile. Clearly he gave up. But even here he’s making excuses: “Gee, I’d like to weigh in on the issues, but Lorne won’t let me.” It’s your f**king show, Fallon.
Maybe once we are all no longer living in a Goddamned F**king Nightmare, where you can go to a concert without the entire audience becoming targets and getting mowed down by military-grade machine gun fire, maybe then we can tolerate giggling talk-show chimps who live purely for shallow entertainments and vapid conversation.
Ah, you know what? Not even then. F**k Jimmy Fallon.
UPDATE (Oct. 5, 2017 8:40 AM):
I stand by everything I said in the above article, but WOT strives to be
fair and balanced open-minded and fair. So here’s an article that appears to show that Jimmy Fallon is probably-sorta-actually a pretty decent guy. But still in a happy, frat guy kinda way.
WOT champions and commends decency, so there ya go.