Dear Idiots at Warner Brothers & DC Comics,
My name is Fergus The Justifier, viking warrior and fighter of all things Terrible. Your new Justice League movie stinks. With the exception of Wonder Woman, all of your DCEU movies have stunk. They are awful. You know this. And yet you keep making them. It is time to face:
the facts,
the music,
the consequences,
the nation.
You don’t have a clue what you are doing. You have absolutely no idea what constitutes a good movie, or even a good idea. You are flying blind and your private jet is on fire, plummeting to earth. You are doomed.
The extremely sad truth is that you have been hoodwinked by the greatest troll to ever walk the earth: Zack Snyder, genius anarchist and real-life Joker.
As I believe it would be impossible for any human to repeatedly make the kinds of idiotic decisions and monumental mistakes witnessed in your movies, this is the only logical explanation: Synder just wants to watch the entertainment world burn.
I propose that he wanted to pull a giant, epic prank on comic book lovers and movie fans while using DC’s own money to pull it off. I have to wonder if DC killed Snyder’s parents as a boy, or scarred him in some horrible way so as to make him lust for revenge.
Warner Brothers, heed my words! Hundreds of millions of dollars from your own coffers have been completely wasted in the name of setting fire to DC’s legacy and the movie-going public’s hopes and dreams for these beloved characters.
You have been taken for a ride, pulled through a haunted house of cinematic horrors that can only end in a fiery crash of public humiliation and executive firings. This has already begun.
As proof of this unprecedented and maniacal trolling, I present to you the following images, ripped straight from the very opening of your own movie:
Feast your eyes upon these images, DC, and behold your fatal hubris, your unmitigated arrogance and your inexcusable ignorance!
Behold your doom.
These frames make my heart ache. Why the f**k don’t we get to watch that movie?
I was left gobsmacked upon first seeing this beautiful intro attached to your Terrible film. The balls on you people…
You recently allowed the first three minutes of Justice League to be released to the internet, most likely hoping that people would be tantalized and swayed to ignore the just and truthful negativity surrounding this debacle. In a sense, you succeeded. People were swayed – just not in the manner you would wish.
I personally derived more pleasure from watching the short character studies featured in the above images than I did in watching the rest of your super expensive movie’s entire two-minute-fifty-second intro. I was not inspired by Affleck’s pointless jumping around nor impressed by the cheap rooftop set.
I was certainly depressed by the tone of despair instantly set up with the newspaper headline describing the state of the world. I was immediately brought down by the flat and drab cinematography.
As an exercise in trolling, this three minute opening couldn’t have been more successful. To have your spirit soar and to feel the joyful thrill of childhood nostalgia erupting from each and every pixel of those opening animations – only to have those hopes dashed upon the rocks of Snyder’s craggy shores, our still-beating hearts raked across the coals of an extinguished dream.
The images above were the blueprints to your success and the instructions for the assembly of your cinematic aspirations. And you wrapped them around your dicks or your dildos and pleasured yourselves to Snyder’s deceitful visions. Like a lazy fool who ignores the instructions in an Ikea manual, you ended up with a backwards and unstable product.
You are the David Marcuses of the movie-superhero genre. No idea who that is? I bet Kevin Feige knows.
Shame on you. Shame on ALL of you.
What you see above is all we as fans ever wanted. Nothing else was required of you but to create movies that reflected the genius of those gorgeous introductory animations. Like Bane says in TDKR, “So easy. So simple.”
Instead you allowed Snyder to use our love against us, as he took our eternal and faithful hopes for a glorious DCEU and turned them into a spiritual slap-chop, imprisoning our diced expectations within a pit of confusion and despair.
You’ve helped to teach us, time and time again, there can be “no true despair without hope.”
Those images above are the light of our hope. Your movies are the prisons that feed and twist our despair.
Placing that amazing opening at the start of your depressing and putrid film was like a giant FU to everyone that paid the price of admission. Covertly added insults to secretly salt our injuries.
The way each character has their face obscured, as if the animators were ashamed to use the likenesses of the actual cast, speaks volumes. This is an interesting detail as it seems to suggest that DC, or somebody who oversees the rights to these characters, knows just how horribly wrong Snyder’s casting is.
Step one in the trolling of comic book fans? Cast people who look NOTHING like the characters have always been depicted, for literally decades. You got Superman and Wonder Woman right because I’m sure even you morons are smart enough to not make Superman blonde. Everyone else though? No one really cares about the Flash, right? No one really knows that much about Aquaman. F**k Off.
As for Affleck? It’s incredible that I can actually write this: George Clooney is no longer the worst Batman.
I honestly cannot stop watching the first minute of this three minute peek into hell. The shift from “joy and optimism” in those perfect animations to your “dour and bleak” live action barf is both heart-breaking and whiplash-abrupt. Like holding a nice, juicy steak out to a starving person before shoving a handful of ash into their open mouths instead.
To go from the promise of those beautiful interpretations to the dismal green screen world of Snyder’s hellish troll-verse? Unforgivable.
I forgive you NOT!
Everything about the depictions you see before you is PERFECT. Most noticeable is Aquaman’s most iconic look and powers. Why show this to people right before a movie that has an “aquaman” dressed in some kind of garish Atlantean pyjama set? Who apparently spent his formative years bangin’ in Compton? Who should really be an entirely new character called the “Aqua-squatch?”
There can be only answer.
Your Aquaman movie is doomed as well. I’m sure you know this. Because you’re not making an Aquaman movie – you’re making a “Kahl Drogo in Atlantean Underoos” movie. You have to realize this now.
Too late to course correct, this film will also crash and burn upon the jagged runway of Snyder’s diabolical scheme.
Y’all been played, dudes!
Look again upon the what-might-have-been above. Even Flash’s lightning effect is correctly rendered! As my friend Gorp The Malcontent laments on an almost daily basis – why is the lightning BLUE in the films?! WHY? How could you get that one, super important and incredibly iconic detail wrong? Again, there is only one answer that makes sense!
Look, I loved 300. So I don’t deny Snyder has some talent when it comes to a particular form of visual composition. But I think the man might be an evil super-villain. Like, a real one. The wreckage he has wrought fills me with a Terrible ennui.
I look upon that last panel of DC’s assembled heroes and I weep for the lost possibilities. I’m sure it will be at least another decade before we can hope to finally have an image like that grace our screens in the version of the DCEU we all want and crave.
DC, you have proven yourselves to be impatient, greedy, and – worst of all – stupid. Marvel’s approach isn’t perfect and has become increasingly precarious due to a paralyzing fear of failure, but they still produce movies that I have been waiting to see my entire life.
As a kid, I never once imagined the types of movies DC is making. No one else did, either. Only Snyder wanted these types of films. The man’s entire world-view when it comes to comic books is seen through the distorted lens of Frank Miller’s later career – yet another creator now seemingly invested in epic trolling.
Sadly, Snyder swayed DC and Warner Brothers into believing he had the answers when all he really had on offer was a madcap plan to troll the entire world.
I can just hear him paraphrasing Ben Affleck’s good pal, Will Hunting:
“How do you like them beans, Warner Brothers?”
Because that’s what you have been left with: a charred and tasteless flaming hill of beans.
And like a stubborn child who refuses to admit fault, we now have to sit and watch as DC spends the next several years willfully chowing down on your delusion and pride.
You mad f**ked DC! And no, Joss Whedon can’t save ya!
I AM FERGUS THE JUSTIFIER!
