By Fergus The Justifier
As a Viking, there is nothing that makes me want to stab and impale more than pretentious bullsh*t from f**king celebrities. Especially actors who are very bad at acting. Actors like Brad Pitt. The guy began with meagre talents and eventually, slowly, over time, still has meagre talents. But he’s the most gorgeous man on Earth so talent doesn’t really matter. He created a rather dynamic on-screen persona – which was just an ultra-cool version of himself – then refined and perfected it, and has been using it ever since in every single role of his career.
Has the guy ever really acted? Or has he just been extremely comfortable, confident and charismatic on screen? His best performance: Seven. I would say that was almost good acting. But really he just matches the character exactly and plays himself, like always. And for something like World War Z or Fury, yeah, whatever. That particular persona he has created actually works well in such things.
And do not get me wrong, he seems like a nice enough guy, shallow and arrogant though he may be. But one thing he is not – and will never be – and it infuriates me to even think of him pretending to be – is enlightened.
Brad Pitt is not the Buddha
Everybody’s heard all about his divorce and how he tried to throw his kid out of a plane. Or something. There was a plane involved (I’m pretty sure of that). And he ended up being a maniacal split personality of Angelina Jolie – no wait, that was Fight Club. He split with his wife and all these crazy allegations got thrown around sending his PR team into hairy conniptions.
So, what, did, they, do?
They decided to fight fire with enlightenment.
In the months after Brad split from Ed Norton – I mean Angelina Aniston – I kept encountering weird bits of news about how Brad is skipping big parties and after-awards shows to focus on things like…sculpting.
via THR via Huffinton Post:
“Apparently the actor didn’t make it to the Oscars because he was 10 days deep into creating a sculpture, according to The Hollywood Reporter, and just couldn’t tear himself away. Pitt was reportedly hunkered down at British artist Thomas Houseago’s studio in the Frogtown neighborhood of Los Angeles, no doubt losing track of time as the cold, smooth clay made sweet love to his fingertips.”
Wow. I mean, so commendable. And inspiring. And…wow. Just…wow. The dedication. I can just see him hard at work, deep in creativity, all alone save for the stray dog he rescued, the room lit only by his halo.
Barf! Barf! Barf!
And these stories were everywhere:
Even the goddamned Brisbane Times
You get the idea.
From Artnet:
“Art is a way for him to concentrate on one thing, taking his mind off everything else,” an unnamed source hypothesized to the Mail, adding that Pitt is “learning at a fast pace.”
An unnamed source?! Are they f**king serious?! If he’s so damned secluded and focused on his “art” (I’d love to see his sculpture), how is this story being “leaked” all over the goddamned place? Boozing less is he? Learning quickly is he? He was going to this studio and watching Ren & Stimpy for 15 hours, said a named source that is me. As soon as I saw this stuff, I thought to myself “Hmm, somebody obviously wants Angelina back and is trying to be all rehabilitated and reborn – and using the press instead of Facebook like a normal person.” Great. Fine. Put on yer little show. But keep it out of the goddamned press!
BLOODLUST RISING!!!
So after a few months of this BS all the “Bad Brad” news vanishes. Brad the Saint is now knighted by the Dali Lama and venerated by Tom Cruise. He is a Holy Singularity, clad in all white, walking the earth. All the gullible buy into it hook line and sphincter. Perfect. Can we all get on with our stupid lives now?
Nope.
A whole interview of nuthin’ but new-age Brad-isms, where he raps about fighting his personal demons and confronting his ego and acting so contrite and enlightened and humble and spouting self-help credos like he invented them and is the first person to make these “realizations” and I can’t even type any more of the crap he said. And no, I’m not linking the article.
For the love of… We already went through all this with John and Yoko!
So now it’s confirmed – this is all just a big pretend show to impress his ex-wife and slowly win her back. Duh.
RAGE!!!
Goddamn I just wanna kick him in the shin so hard. The sad truth is I bet he actually believes he has found enlightenment…in only a few months. Such an oblivious idiot. All the while his publicists are laughing and grinning and rubbing their hands together. Victory!
And it is a victory. Why? Not because Brad pulled it off (remember, he can’t act worth sh*t). No, because the media goes along with it all. They allow these f**king people to use the press for all of their personal BS and it just sucks. They don’t call them out on it, they instead perpetuate it. You can’t really fault GQ, it’s their interview. But you can sure as hell fault everyone else! And I do! So now we have to endure yet another round of Brad Pitt “secretly-I-want-Angelina-back” PR stroke-fest “news” articles?! F************************ck.
Brad has always employed this kind of PR. Before he met Angelina, I can guarantee Brad never gave a single thought to charity or world causes. I mean, just look at the douche guy!
Jolie decides he is to be hers and the weak minded fool is snatched away from Rachel Aniston before you can say “Robert Paulson. ” Oh, and Angelina – I could write a whole article about her as well. She just gave an interview where she laments and decries the starving of the world as she sits in a 25 million dollar house she bought from spare change at the bottom of her purse. A 20 million dollar house wouldn’t do? 5 million dollars would feed a lot of mouths. Nah, what am I saying?
So yeah, where was I? Oh right. Brad gets super-cliché hypno-snatched and then suddenly he’s King of the Causes. According to “unnamed sources.” Whatever.
Back to the present: apparently Angelina is impressed with Brad’s pretending to be a new man sincere re-invention, so I’m sure they’ll be back together within a year. She’s just gonna make him suffer and jump through hoops for awhile. Or not. Who cares? The main thing is that Brad’s completely not obvious little PR scheme is working. His PR people use the press to communicate with her, then her people uses the press to communicate with him. It’s like Hannibal Lector and Buffalo Bill communicating through the personals. Terrible!
But for the love of Xenu, do we all have to suffer for it?!
BERSERKER MADNESS!!!
So, to sum up, you can all relax now because Brad Pitt has totally conquered all of his demons. Amen.
