According to this report from Page Six, embattled bathrobe model and disgusting rage-pervert Harvey Weinstein is quite, quite sad about how some of his life choices have come back to viciously bite his face off. Like, really sad. He is so withdrawn, secluded and devastated that his publicist and legal team he could only manage to grant one PR hail mary heart-felt confessional. The man is sad and shell-shocked, people:
After Chapman, 41, announced she was leaving him Tuesday night following a series of allegations of rape and sexual assault against him by actresses, Weinstein sounded sad and shell-shocked when he spoke to Page Six shortly after.
In related news, Brad Pitt is now enlightened.
His wife has left him. My GOD. She is the one woman on this earth who finds him truly attractive and decent and irresistible and now he has lost her too. That has to be a real gut-punch, that. There are some cynics out there who undoubtably think the poor, heart-broken, horribly betrayed and completely surprised woman just wants to save her business. Well, you can all suck – oh, wait.
But according to another source, Chapman came under massive pressure over the weekend to separate herself from Weinstein for the sake of her children and to save her business.
Good God. She had kids with him?! Gross.
I cannot iterate this enough: it is only coincidence that the lawyers and PR people thought the decision to leave him also works as a great way to generate sympathy and deflect anger from poor Harv.
Anyway, Harvey has clearly suffered enough so you can all go home and turn your attention to Ben Affleck (Here’s some more interesting info on Ben to get you in the mood).
The good news is that it will only take one year of therapy for Harvey to become rehabilitated and “got better.”
“I will definitely be back making movies, perhaps in a year, with a new company, once I’ve been through treatment, taken a long hard look at myself and who I am, and got better.”
F*******************ck. That’s almost as fast as Brad “got enlightened.” But, superior man, superior recovery time. I believe it was Hammurabi who originally devised the “long hard look at oneself” as a ridiculously over-the-top punishment. For murder, if memory serves.
I’m shell-shocked just thinking about it.
Fortunately, just like Harvey ejaculates into potted plants. the PR ridiculousness just keeps on cumming.
Weinstein added he has resigned all his charity work: “I have resigned from my work with Robin Hood, amfAR, the only thing I plan to continue with is the scholarships for women directors at USC, which I am committed to.”
The man’s commitment to women directors is unparalleled. The scholarships come with a promissory note for one Oscar, a case of diet coke and 12 bottles of massage oil.
The point of all this is that Harvey Weinstein is already punished enough. He’s f**king shell-shocked and sad.
It’s just so unjust.
There weren’t any recording devices around when Jesus was crucified. So I can only assume scientists of the future will one day study this man to measure just how much excessive suffering a human being can endure.
I AM FERGUS THE JUSTIFIER!
