Rolling Stone is Dead. May Its Zombified Corpse Plague Us No More.
With the recent announcement that Jann “Sellout” Wenner and his family have put RS up for sale, many people probably lamented the end of an era. I say nertz to that.
RS has been mostly independent since its inception, which is actually somewhat incredible given the internetz and stuff. Last year, however, they accepted their first outside investors, selling a 49% stake in Rolling Stone to a Singapore music tech startup called BandLab Technologies. Nice name. This was the first gaping crack in the all-too-stationary stone. I noticed without even having to be told, as that’s when all the crappy-intrusion popup ads started showing up on Flipboard. Seeing that kind of money-grubbing BS from a “flagship” prestige magazine saddened my soul. But only a little. The sad truth is RS died on the table long ago.
RS began its life as a rock n roll magazine. Over the years as rock morphed and declined, ebbed and ebbed more, RS also mutated and diversified. To the magazine’s eternal detriment. It’s hard to determine exactly when RS became a joke, but it was probably sometime around their first Britney Spears cover.
“Oh hey, we’re a pop culture mag too. And look, hard-hitting political stuff – y’know, Gonzo and sh*t.”
Yeah, whatever. Hunter wasn’t fooled and neither were any other intelligent humans. I don’t fault them for wanting to stay afloat by attracting more and different eyeballs, but man did they ever screw the pooch and suck the hooch. Did you really have to put such shitty people on the cover, RS?!! The goddamned cover?! You didn’t even try to hold onto any dignity, and for that I scorned you. You probably gained twelve readers for every one of me lost. But f**k you, you didn’t have to be such a slut. Jimmy Fallon’s got nuthin’ on you, RS.
RS, you were – and are – way worse. Britney Spears was on your cover a bigly 27 times. Sad!
I will admit to reading the odd issue on my ipad over the past two or three years. Once in awhile I could still be enticed. Good design for the most part. Slick digital versions. But no amount of Ramones covers or MCA tribute issues can make up for your sins. Your last Letterman article was good. Your putting Trump on the cover was not.
And now the party is truly over. Once sold, we can expect RS to finally sink into the tarpits of history. I’m sure even though Jaan is whoring out the magazine to advertisers like never before, to make all the cash he can before it’s sold (or maybe it’s “BandLab Technologies”), he’s still a better steward than whichever lame-O profit-mongering corporation picks it up.
So to summarize, RS now: bad. RS to come: worse. So what else is new?
To celebrate nihilistic reality, journey with me now through some samples from
ROLLING STONE’S SICKENING GALLERY OF SHAME!
(and remember, ROCK MAG)
Oh Gawd. Did you actually make it through to the end of this??!! Painful. It hurt to make this.
