“Why won’t you let me enjoy this show? Why?”
“You’ll watch it no matter what.”
“Yes. I’ve loved Star Trek since the beginning…but I don’t know what to think of all this. I really don’t…”
“Look, sometimes I don’t know what to think of this. It’s just something I have to do.”
“Why?!”
“Because nobody else is. Look, I tried to avoid all this, but I can’t. This is how it is. It’s not a perfect show.”
“It doesn’t have to be a perfect show. I just gotta know – are we gonna try and love Star Trek still?’
“I’d like to. But the writers are out there right now. And I’ve gotta go to work.”
Paramount learned nothing from Enterprise. Not. One. Damn. Thing. They keep hiring the exact. Same. People.
Making the exact. Same. Mistakes.
Sad!
So it was never my intention to watch this series. I was to gladly skip by this shit show and hopefully avoid the fits of rage that I knew watching it would induce. Happiness! Others volunteered to watch and recap. I could be free!
And yet I can never be free. My esteemed warrior-comrade, Gorp the Malcontent, summed up this strange compulsion quite eloquently in his recap of the second episode. The more I read of his experiences with the show, the more I couldn’t resist seeing for myself. Could it be as stupid as he portrayed? Sadly, in my heart of hearts, I knew the answer to be “oh f**k yeah it can.” The choices the writers have made thus far are just astounding. Baffling. Infuriating. Idiotic.
Terrible.
So it is with a very heavy heart that I have decided to stick my toes into this tepid cesspool of creative bankruptcy, knowing full well the entire effort to be futile.
Well, on that note, let’s dive into the first episode. My friend Gorp has already provided a very detailed and entertaining recap, so this will just be I, Fergus the Justifier, quickly recording my observations in real time as I watch.
God, let me make some tea mead first. I’ll need it…
Ok. ONWARD! TO BATTLE!
OD’S BLOOD!
Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here
TRANSCRIPTION ACTIVATED:
(PLAY)
Cool effects, bro.
42:29:
Did that Klingon just say “Stay black?!!” WTF??
41:43:
Nowadays, you can’t get lost if you have a phone. The future will have iphone 260’s. First intro to our main characters and they are established to be idiots.
40:40:
Can we have the old phaser beams back, please. Jes*s! The coolest thing about Star Trek was that they were the only franchise that treated light-beam weapons with scientific accuracy.* Guess how fast light is? F**k me. So this is gonna be a J.J. jamboree after all.
*(except for Worf dodging phaser shots)
40:09:
THAT’S IT?!!!! Shoot a phaser down a well and that solves the f**king problem?! Shoot from space, idiots! Send down a F**KING DRONE to shoot the well. Beam a bomb in there! “Oh, we mustn’t get seen by the natives.” Don’t f**king go down there then!
Writers! You can’t get away with this lazy sh*t anymore! Create a more complex problem! It’s called “writing,” IT’S NOT HARD!
39:20:
You can’t be lost, you stupid idiot.
37:53:
(PAUSE)
(sigh) So already I’ve had to pause this f**king thing. Okay. They can’t be detected by sensors due to the storm, yeah? So they make this giant dopey thing in the sand, I guess knowing the ship will break through the cloud cover to find them? But the ship drops down through the clouds right on top of them! So the ship already knows where they are! So that means the ship can see through the clouds, doesn’t it?! Doesn’t it?! They have line of sight but can’t find them? I thought there was a map of the well – y’know, the very small area where they’d obviously be! Just stand by the damn well. They have all manner of space sensors but need a giant sand drawing to find their crew members? F**k off.
I can think of twelve things they could have done that would make more sense, starting with a f**king fire. Time to make a huge sign in the sand that can be seen from space: 2 hours. Time to make a fire: 1 sec. Nothing to burn? Just fire your phaser in the air then. Or how about a small hover-drone beacon-type thingy? They apparently knew a storm was coming, so beaming down without a small hover-drone beacon-type thingy is just stupid. This giant Starfleet sand insignia is just “clever writer shit” that fails so hard.
And hooohkay, the ships can enter a planet’s atmosphere? Greeeeaaaaat. So whenever someone is in trouble and the transporters are inoperative they can just lower a f**king ladder now. This tells me that the STD writers are aping the J.J.-verse and also tells me that they don’t fucking get Star Trek at all.
The ships are characters in a sense, and these particular characters must remain in space! Happy accident due to budget or not, the transporter gave Star Trek some of its fundamental DNA and you can’t f**k with it! Ship in space. Crew on planet. That’s the only way it works if you want to call it Star Trek! Don’t get mad at me! I didn’t make the rules for what Star Trek is!
I actually think Star Trek can’t really exist anymore. Technology and the course of modern culture have made so much of it obsolete and nonsensical. Once again, read Gorp’s second episode recap – he said all of this much better.
God, I wish they’d just try and create a new show altogether and stop sh*tting on Star Trek’s grave. Something new of a similar vein has to be created to take its place. They might as well have just made this show in Kirk’s time, rather than try to cram the 60’s and today’s world into the same box transporter.
I’m going to be saying this a lot, I know it: why make a new Star Trek show if all you wanna do is not make a Star Trek show? All they are doing is whatever the f**k they want anyway and cloaking themselves in Star Trek‘s irresistible brand recognition – infecting and destroying that brand in the process. Just like an std.
They use our love for Star Trek against us!
Make a whole new fucking Star Trek-type sci-fi show then! Call it something else! Be creative. Oh, but that wouldn’t be as much of a success, would it? Too big a risk. F**k you, writers. F**k you Paramount.
There is not gonna be enough mead in the world for this…
(PLAY)
37:20:
Oh my God. WTF? WTF is this? What the f**********k is thiiiiiiisssssss? What is this hipster-coffee-shop, graphic-design porn bullsh*t?!!! You know why the end music sequence in the first J.J. Star Trek was so f**king cool? Because it was still happening in f**king SPACE! With the original, amazing music! To boldly explore…a graphic designer’s drafting desk! F**k off.
All of this stupid blueprint breakdown crap is soul-crushing. This feels like the lame-o opening titles for a blu-ray special feature on props. Jes*s!!!! We are only five minutes in and THEY’VE ALREADY BROKEN ONE OF THE FUNDAMENTAL RULES OF GOOD SCI FI:
YOU DON’T FOCUS ON THE TECHNOLOGY, EVER! It’s a cardinal rule. TOS didn’t. Star Wars didn’t. You….f**king…idiots. I am so mad right now. I’ve gone berserker!
(PAUSE)
(two minutes of lunatic howling)
(PLAY)
The music is awful. Is there a melody in there somewhere, besides the obligatory reference to the original theme? Is it too much to ask for an exciting and inspiring theme?! We haven’t had a thrilling, brace for adventure style TV theme since TNG – and that was lifted from TMP! It’s “trek,” not “mope!”
Yeah, space travel by warp drive is such a sad, somber and ponderous affair. You know what? Let’s not go. I’d rather stay here on earth in my VR womb.
I guess this theme makes sense for a “dark” show about war.
35:04:
What a nice, pleasant bridge that is. I would love to spend hours working away there in the dark, blinded by the occasional lens flare. Has the Federation weaponized lens flares? Eye strain is no longer a problem in the future I guess.
34:43:
Lobot’s half-brother is here, everyone. Nice implant. Hardly notice it. I’m really hating the design choices in this show.
34:38:
So we’ve been on the bridge for twelve seconds and already this one small area of the ship has twice the number of aliens than Kirk’s entire crew does in the future.
33:38:
Daft Punk is here everyone. Nice helmet. Hardly notice it. Is that a f**king robot? Or has Google Glass really gone awry in the future? I hate toaster head. God, this show sucks.
33:30:
Hmm, some Next Gen sfx. Mr. Sound Designer, you a lazy f**k, dawg.
32:21
After some hee-larious crew interplay, we learn the ship does not have any kind of normal, “just plain lenses” telescopic technology. That’s a bit of a design flaw. I’m surprised they have windows. Even my iphone could do a better magnification job than their stupid view screen. And a quaint little telescope! How amusing! More “clever writer” bullshit. Whoever came up with this little gag should be fired. Instead, they will make millions and go on to be a show runner forever.
29:42:
I like the computer voice. No, really, that’s not sarcastic. I do like that voice.
(PAUSE)
(Sound of typing)
Apparently it’s her.
(PLAY)
22:09:
He said it again! “Stay black!”
(REWIND)
(PLAY)
Oh wait, I just rewound it and he’s actually saying “remain Klingon.” Are they fucking kidding??? All I hear is “stay black” because that’s TOTALLY what they’re really saying! “Mookie! Stay black!” This is f**king crazy. The Klingons are suddenly africanized beyond all belief and they’re talking about “black fleets” and saying “stay black” to each other. F**k if I understand any of this. Is the Federation supposed to be like a trigger-happy cop? What the f**k is the analogy here? These writers are completely insane.
21:49
That Vulcan computer has a total “awards ceremony nominee-announcer voice.” I thought Burnham had just won an Emmy.
20:40
Once an actor on Star Trek, always an actor on Star Trek. Isn’t that the dude from TNG who played that Vulcan in “Lower Decks?” He does not look like Sarek, young or otherwise.
19:40:
Going directly to the bridge as you’re dying from radiation is dramatic and all, but you could just use the com system. You’re so desperate to warn the captain that you take an extra five minutes to get to the bridge. And we already saw this in J.J.’s Star Trek. Jes*s, it’s like the writers have an actual playbook for crafting scenes. It’s not 1986. You can’t get away with this f**king TV writing anymore.
18:47:
Daft Punk has the alert displayed…on her face? Ok. But shouldn’t the word be backwards then? The word is written the correct way for us to read. Sooooo… That means the display on her face is for our benefit, not hers. I think I know the ship is at alert, thanks. Or is that how this woman/alien/thing communicates? By facial text message? She’s actually screaming “ALERT! ALERT! F**KING ALERT!” Ah, who cares? Right, Fuller? You think it looks real spacey-cool, so that’s all that matters. F**k me.
(PAUSE)
(Sounds of mead being withdrawn from fridge and poured)
(PLAY)
17:37:
Now, I know I’m coming to this late, and I know by now everyone has already hashed this out, but Klingons shouldn’t have cloaking tech yet. I’m sure the clever, genius writers know this and will have it all make logical sense very soon. They keep telling us to “just hold on, wait and see, don’t worry.” But we do worry. Because we know they are lying. NO F**KING CLOAKS! The Romulan cloaking field had just been invented and used for the very first time in TOS era! I must be f**king high on crazy pills.
They want to do a prequel. But don’t want to be hamstrung by the details. They want it all. And why shouldn’t they? They are all professional, genius writers in a giant sandbox with absolutely no rules. So fun!
Why oh why must we be tortured by these “clever” writers? Feeling so very tired already…
17:32:
Did Daft Punk just speak in a robot voice??? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, that’s good. That’s just amazing. The goddamned “robot voice” will never die. So much for facial texting technology.
17:10:
“Tell them, we have engaged the Borg Klingons.” INTENTIONAL CALLBACKS! SO F**KING LAME! I can just see the writer of that line peeing his pants with anticipation at the thought of the audience creaming themselves with his/her clever reference. Gah.
16:20:
Why do these Klingons talk so slow and so badly, as if their enunciation is hampered by giant prosthetic teeth? A very strange genetic quirk. On the Klingon home world, not being understood is an evolutionary advantage.
There is no ADR in Klingon culture. That’s how badass they are. Y’know, I just realized – the Klingons as we have to come to know them don’t gather in a knitting circle and bemoan the “aggressions” of other cultures. They aggress the cultures! Cultures don’t be agressin’! Remain Klingon! C’mon!
16:07:
These Klingon outfits. Like victorian party dress as designed by Anton Furst. They look absolutely ridiculous and totally not scary or threatening. “Dainty” is a word that comes to mind. They’re different, though, I’ll give them that.
This Klingon high tea party sucks. “You’ve not experienced Little Lord Fauntleroy until you’ve read it in the original Klingon!” Is this Meyer’s little gag? My head hurts so much right now.
14:30:
So this guy has “lived his life on the outside” because he’s…white? Seriously, the f**k is this show doing with its race analogies? I cannot fathom any of this. It’s so insanely blatant but they totally deny it. WTF?
(sound of typing)
Oh wait, they don’t deny it!
It’s about racial purity,
- Aaron Harberts, co-executive producer
13:45:
This Klingon stuff is so boooooriiiing.
13:27:
More TNG sfx.
12:00:
“Death sense?” Everybody listen up! My “death sense” is tingling! Chr**t. I cannot believe this shit. He should be carrying a scythe. First – why does every f**king alien have to have a “sense power?” If they must have powers, can they at least be believable powers, and not supernatural in nature? I hate this character. But really I hate, hate, hate the game.
9:58:
“That’s the diplomat in you talking. What does the soldier say?” See – right there. Star Trek is not about “soldiers.” F**k you Kurtzman. You go around rhapsodizing about what Star Trek is and you really have no f**king clue. It’s not about war. It cannot be about war. Star Trek was created by Roddenberry to be about hope, exploration, the wonders of the universe and the absence and avoidance of war (despite the run-and-gun action stylings of 60’s episodic TV).
Kirk never identified himself as a soldier, even though Starfleet obviously did fulfill a military/police-style function. “Oh, but it’s a prequel – it’s not Kirk’s time, see?” F**k off.
Roddenberry knew this stupid Klingon war and the Romulan war existed as backstory, but there’s a reason he chose not to base his show in a period of war. These idiot showrunners, on the other hand, completely miss the entire point of Star Trek and in their supreme arrogance go running headlong to get where to Roddenberry knew to avoid, making “pew pew” sounds as they trip over themselves in ecstatic glee.
Roddenberry was no narrative genius – he was wrong about a lot of things, like f**king idiot Wesley Crusher and “Family” – but like Lucas he was kind of a f**king genius when it came to the broad strokes and the ultimate theme of the show.
The single biggest problem with Hollywood is that they do not understand the importance of backstory, what it is, and what it actually accomplishes. Like a gluttonous and greedy super-lazy corporate pac-man, they just see backstory as low-hanging raw material to fuel new shows.
The writers unfortunately see it like any other fan fiction author: “wouldn’t it be awesome to explore every single little detail that they left unexplored?” Except it isn’t awesome. It’s stupid.
If you want to write about soldiers and space-wars, then it shouldn’t be called Star Trek. TNG touched on war, but it wasn’t our war. That’s a subtle technicality. It was a Klingon civil war. And it was for two episodes!
That’s what every series after TNG has gotten completely, absolutely WRONG. Yes, war is exciting and dramatic. Being on the run and outgunned is tremendously compelling. But that’s Battlestar Galactica. Ronald D. Moore eventually got that and finally went off and made…Battlestar Galactica!
So this show is wrong from the get go, and all of these genius and clever high-paid writers cannot see that. Paramount? Even more clueless. They’re the ones who hire these dolts.
You know what, f**k this – I’m done with this episode.
(STOP)
(sound of children’s toy being kicked across the room)
It’s so damn depressing I can’t go on. I’m sure it just gets stupider. All I see is DS9 mashed with Enterprise (and later with the exact same Tom Paris/Ensign Ro angle) so I know it’s all just regurgitated barf from an actual playbook because those post-TNG Star Trek shows were already bad to begin with.
And what they’re doing with race in the guise of Klingons — Chr*st. Just like I thought – watching this show – even as an exercise in pure analysis and criticism – is completely futile.
Woman’s voice from far away: What are you ranting about now?!
Nothing!
(sound of door being closed)
It’s true: reisistance is futile. As long as the show is marginally successful – which of course it will be, because the vast majority of sci-fi fans will happily accept anything with a laser in it – then Paramount just won’t care that their crown jewel is a mere shadow of what it could, and should, strive to be.
Until the arrival of this new show, Star Trek: Beyond was by far the worst Star Trek POS voyage I have ever seen. And that was written by a massive, HUGE, Star Trek fan. The lesson that was lost there? The Enterprise does not get destroyed. The Enterprise is the main character! So the whole point of Star Trek is that Kirk prevents the Enterprise from getting destroyed. Always. Even goddamned Walter Koenig knows this!
Spock’s death was an extraordinary turn of events for Star Trek. The producer asked me to do a “Trekkie run” on the script and I told him that he cannot kill Spock in the first act, which was the way the first draft was drawn.
There are three elements in Star Trek that are absolutely synonymous with what it’s about and they have to be maintained or, if they are lost, it has to be an extremely theatrical and dramatic way. That’s Kirk, Spock and the Enterprise – you cannot dismiss one of those elements as a first-act problem and then go on to the rest of the story.
(sound of intense pacing)
The Enterprise was destroyed in Star Trek III. Which also didn’t make any sense. The Enterprise was blowed up good because that’s what the writers wanted to have happen. They got away with it because it was a big, dramatic movie moment that was built up to and properly tied into a theme. Star Trek: Beyond? Well they were just aping Star Trek III even though everyone involved keeps denying they are mirroring the original movies. It’s like they think they have a special secret that only they are aware of. They are all such f**king fanboys.
So obviously being a fan is not the problem. Understanding what Star Trek actually is – that’s the problem.
(sound of fist being pounded into palm)
I hate to sound so high and mighty, declaring that only vikings like I, Fergus the Justifier, and he, Gorp the Malcontent, are able to discern the true meaning of what Star Trek truly is – BUT SEEMINGLY THAT’S THE GODDAMN F**KING TRUTH!!! These TERRIBLE writers and showrunners are paid so much goddamn money to spew out their TERRIBLE dreck, laziness and illogic I CAN’T STAND IT!!! I’m abandoning franchises faster than a hipster flees the top 40!
(seventeen minutes and one second of intense rage-howls)
(sound of a person collapsing in a depressed heap upon the couch)
Sadly, the War On Terrible continues…
I AM FERGUS THE JUSTIFIER!
